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Here is a chance to look at the world from a different perspective and use your emotional intelligence.
Doc's Latest Blog
Take It to The Lord and
Leave It There.
A favorite line I hear in churches is to take your troubles (anxieties, depression, fears, shame, anger, and destructive relationships) to the Lord and leave them there. This is not working because the vast majority of your troubles are of your own making. God will not do what man needs to do. And man cannot do what God does.
The concept of “leave it there” is a passive one. The picture I get is walking to the cross, saying, “Here are all my troubles, anxieties, depression, and anger. I am leaving them with you. “You take care of it,” and walking away, dusting off your hands. What picture do those words create for you?
Do you believe that, as babies, we were born without troubles, anxieties, depression, fears, shame, anger, and relationship problems?
So, as adults, where did these troubles come from? Do you believe that God gave them to you? From what we know about God, that does not sound likely. Look in the mirror to see where these problems and troubles came from! If you are the one who has created all these problems, then you are the one who can change them.
Have you ever wondered why God does not answer your prayers? Perhaps God is waiting for you to learn how to undo all the troubles that you have created! Instead of asking God to change your wife, maybe you should ask God, “What do I need to learn from this situation, and where can I learn to do it differently?” You can use the same prayer, “What do I need to learn,” regarding my children, the boss, or even the crazy guy driving on the freeway so that I do not react but become an actor.
I am talking about taking responsibility for your behavior and no one else's behavior. You cannot change anyone, wife, boss, children, or the guy on the freeway. The only person you can change is yourself.
No one but you is creating your anxieties, anger, depression, fears, shame, and relationship problems. If someone were, you would be a victim just sitting, waiting for someone to create problems for you.
What is it that keeps you from taking responsibility for yourself? How long are you going to keep trying to change other people so you can be okay? Where do you need to go? Who do you need to see to find the answer to how you create your problems?
You are the victim if you are trying to change other people. Do you believe “People should do what I think they should do, not what they do?” If you believe that, then all somebody has to do to make you angry or upset is not change when you want them to. When you try to change other people, you give them power over you.
Here is a short list of things God will not change for you and is waiting for you to change. . . . .
CABT started in 1972, The foundation. . .
INTRODUCTION to CABT,
Cognitive > Affective > Behavioral Therapy
What Is Mental Health? It is important to have some concept of what mental health is to be able to measure progress or to know if we are successful. If we are not sure in our minds what the goals of mental health are, then there can be a doubt on what behaviors should be changed and what behaviors should be left alone, what attitudes should be changed and what attitudes, beliefs, and values should be accepted. If we are not sure where we are going, we are liable to end up someplace else!
In attempting to define mental health in operational terms, several underlying assumptions will be stated as givens: first, all behavior is learned except for the autonomic responses such as sneezing eye blinking, and stomach growling. Second, all attitudes are learned. Third, what is learned can be unlearned.
At this point, we have some idea that we are in the learning and unlearning business, but it is still pretty unclear what is to be learned and what is to be left alone and what is to be unlearned. Most of our theories of personality change are derived from the experiences of this author. Sigmund Freud found that when he did certain things, his patients seem to get better, so in a very general way, we can say that Freud used the techniques which, in his opinion, worked. He integrated these techniques into a personality theory that would explain why his techniques “worked.” Throughout his life Freud was constantly modifying and changing his theories depending on the success or failure of the technique that he tried. The same can be said for all personality theorists such as Ellis, Rogers, Perls, or Skinner.
To look at these theories or listen to their authors leaves the impression that each man was working on a different species of mankind. For instance, Pearl states, “it took us a long time to deep bunk the whole Freudian crap. . . .” Skinner, on the other hand, feels it the behavior that is important while Ellis, with his Rational Emotive Therapy, takes a more cognitive didactic approach. Each man, in turn, claims success, claims that his theory “works” and can specifically prove that people have been helped to change their behavior to his personality theory that each put forth.
The problem we face is which theory is correct? Since all these theories work to some degree. How can mutually exclusive theories all produce beneficial behavioral change?
A closer look is needed in the area of each man’s theory. Freud and Ellis to a large degree, deal in the area of cognition, insight therapy, and new educational material. Rogers and pearls seem to be concerned with the emotions and feelings and man’s awareness of the feelings in himself the tend to view man as self-actualizing when placed in a safe environment. Skinner, on the other hand, tends to deal with more behavioral types of responses, things acquired through habit, and learn through poor conditioning.
TECHNIQUES THEORIES FOCUS ELLIS Didactic FREUD Insight PERLS Awareness ROGERS Positive Regard SKINNER Stimulus-Response
What emerges then are the three basic areas from which man can be therapeutically reached: 1) cognitive, 2) behavioral, and 3) feelings that include both physical and emotional feelings.
When using a cognitive or behavioral approach, unless you are able to get permanent change in the person’s feelings, there will be no lasting change in the person’s behavior.
Feelings are the basic controlling factor in all human behavior. When I itch, I scratch. When I am hungry, I go to the icebox. I go to church because if I did not, I would feel guilty, or I do not go because I do feel guilty; I wear certain clothes; I act in specific ways because I fear rejection. If I conform and if I am more like everyone else, then I have more of a chance of being accepted and loved. Or I rebel— I strike out because I am angry or I am afraid that I am not free.
I then let my hair grow and wear strange-looking clothes in an attempt to prove to myself that I am free. But not all my feelings are clear. Some of them are often confused and contradictory; I love, and I hate at the same time, I am angry and yet deeply in love with the person I am angry with. I drive on a mountain road, and I am unaware of experiencing anger, frustration, and loneliness. So, I think about driving off the edge of the cliff to stop the pain. At the same time, The feelings that are contradictory or confusing I do not like, so I deny the feelings that I cannot accept and pretend they do not exist while I listen to the song “Pretend That You Are Happy When You Are Sad.”
I am trained from a very early age to deny what I feel; I am told that what I feel really is not what I feel. I am told, “jump up, that did not hurt. Be brave and smile. Big boys do not cry.” By the time I am grown, I am lucky if I can recognize any of my feelings much less be able to express them.
Women have it no better. They are told, “Nice girls do not get angry.” “Smile! Or, boys will not like you.” Girls often learn to be emotional, and that is okay, but they often have as much of a problem identifying their feelings as do the boys.
Therefore Isaac Rubin, in The Angry Book, points out the problem that occurs when we lose track of awareness of what we are feeling. Ruben puts it this way: “Actually, the greater their awareness – – that is, the closer they are to what they really feel – – the less chance there is to lose control.”
Here is an operational definition of good mental health. First, the ability to know what we feel when we feel it, Second, the freedom to accept what we feel when we feel it, and Third, the skill to express it in acceptable ways.
With this definition, a counselor could now choose any number of therapeutic approaches or therapeutic biases that will aid the client in achieving one or all of these goals.
A good counselor is one who aids the client in becoming aware of what he feels, helps them in accepting what he feels, and helps them discover acceptable means of expressing these feelings. What happens then is that as we come closer and closer to these goals, we begin to experience growth and constructive change in our lives.
Now there is no such thing as complete or absolute good mental health; there is no such thing as a wholly insane or sane person. The most insane person in any institution has some degree of sanity with which he holds himself together. In contrast, the sanest person from time to time under extreme stress will experience periods of “craziness.”
Since we are all dynamic (changing) human beings, we find ourselves constantly moving on a continuum somewhere between sanity and insanity. We do not have the choice of what we feel, but if we are aware of what we feel, we do have the choice of how and when to express these feelings. It is these kinds of options that give us a feeling of stability and well-being.
You can contact Dr. Downing at:
Email: [email protected]
Test for EQ scholars
This is a test for EQ scholars to see how well you mastered the EQ skills that bring peace?
Rape can bring with it a lot of physical and emotional damage. After being raped, I have had women tell me that they felt so dirty and shame that they would stand under the shower until the water ran cold and they can no longer bear it.
The physical damage that came with your rape was done to you by another person. The emotional damage, feeling dirty, shame, and guilt is the result of what you did to yourself! Have you ever had a sexual experience where you did not feel dirty, shame, and guilt? What was the difference? The act was basically the same in both situations.
You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts, you are thinking at this moment.
David Burns MD Stanford University
Stoics, Happiness, and EQ concepts
Have you ever wondered where the basic concepts used in EQ, Emotional Quotient came from? Look no further than about 3000 years ago, and the group of people called the Stoics. Here are some quotes from these wise people and how we have adopted their concepts to EQ.
EQ philosophy is a lot about how we react to what happens in the world around us. What happens doesn’t matter because it’s beyond our control. What matters is how we deal with it.
“If you are pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs you, but your own judgment about it. And it is in your power to wipe out this judgment now.” Marcus Aurelius says that your judgment makes an event into an obstacle or an opportunity. It’s up to you.
Your troubled mind comes from judging an outside event as undesirable or bad. Often in the form of whining, moaning, and complaining about it. Keep that in mind: Nothing but opinion is the cause of a troubled mind. Now the next time you’re disturbed by something, remember that it’s your judgment about the situation that hurts you.
People I Am Tired Of Being Around:
• People who never take responsibility for their life and behavior. It is always someone or something fault for what went wrong.
• People who make themselves into victim’s. These people often have a lot of you shoulds for everyone else.
• People who can never apologize.
• People who are passive-aggressive.
• People who will not share their feelings. Everything they share is superficial. • People who refuse to admit that they are ever wrong. “I may not be right, but I am never wrong.”
• People who need to control everything they see and touch.
• People who will not listen to anyone who disagrees with them. “My mind is made up. Do not confuse me with facts.”
• People who use judgments, putdowns, name-calling, threats, sarcasm, and silence to try to control others